Wednesday, November 16, 2005

That Time of Year Again

The holidays. How they creep up on us. Starting in October, I start to get anxiety and my mom starts into her depression mode of "I'm not going anywhere for Thanksgiving. I don't like being the third wheel at your in-law's". Whatever mom! I get so tired of it - every year! My sister just got married (her second) and new hubby hasn't got a clue yet about "mom". She'll get over it, but it's the same thing every year starting in early October. If I don't host a holiday at my house I'm probably not going to get to see my mom. I told her, in the most loving way I possibly could (I have to walk on eggshells you know), that she allows her feelings to control her. Her feelings get in the way of whether her grandkids get to enjoy her company.

My mom was the only child of a gambling mother and alcoholic father who were never home. She then decided to marry a man she didn't love because she was pregnant. She spent the next 22 years of her life married to this man who ran around and spent every dime that came through the door. To make a LONG story short, my parents are divorced and she still doesn't have what she had always wanted... a normal family. To grow old with your husband and be there for the grandchildren. This is what she dwells on EVERY holiday season - it gets pretty old after a while you know? They have been divorced for almost 20 years!

As I was saying, we can't control anyone but ourselves - ever. I have learned this in the past few months. It's not like I haven't known this, it's a matter of applying it to my life. I can't control anything but me and how I react. How I react to someone being nasty to me, how I react to the raw deal I believe I've been dealt in life. It all comes down to ME.

It's called "self control".